The Town Tattler

Let them eat cake (and then throw it up again) in Los Angeles and New York, two cities bursting with fresh-faced celebutantes and sexy scenesters. The REAL juicy gossip can be found right here in a good old American suburban standby with a wealth of saucy scoops, salacious scandals, and scorching hot secrets!

November 22, 2005

'Shirley' We're Not To Blame

The Town Tattler likes to spend most Sunday afternoons doing casual last-minute errands before the week brings a tidal wave of gossip and secrets to splash throughout the pages of our delicious blog. It's during these afternoons when we try to avoid anything and everything remotely associated with the stuff of which our gossip column is made.

But this past weekend, Sunday turned out to be more stressful than any other day of the week, as our car - a 1998 Volvo we consider understated yet classy - was clipped by the enormous Acura SUV of driver Shirley Buger as she pulled in next to us at the grocery store.

Buger, an 82-year-old resident of Everfall Chimes Community Homes, immediately denied having both scratched our car and having pulled in at an atrociously diagonal angle.

Playing dumb, Buger pretended to be hard of hearing, and immediately began to walk away slowly.

Luckily, The Town Tattler is young enough to realize the advantage to owning a cell phone that takes pictures, while Buger seemed to be confused as to what the device was in the first place.

By the time we had called the police to check out our car, Shirley Buger had walked approximately sixteen feet before authorities questioned her about the incident.

"I cannot hear you!" she stubbornly warbled during an attempt at a fast getaway, continuing with, "Am I in outer space? Where's my ointment? Is it just me or can anyone else smell caring?"

Despite Officer Carla Nevins considering Buger a "nice old lady," it was clear to The Town Tattler that this old bird had flown the coop.

And she'd gotten away with it, too.

November 21, 2005

A Lie in Delilah?

Year after year, Parent/Child Recreation Night at Barnum Hill Elementary School on Barnum Hill Road has gone off without a hitch. Inside the Main Gymnasium, scooters fly every which way, basketballs soar overhead, and kids and their parents experience nothing less than a fun-filled evening, despite some minor boo-boos here and there.

However, Diane Feinstein of Market Court, claims she beared witness to an act so "despicable," so "immoral" at last week's Rec Night that she only shared it with a few select parents who volunteered alongside her behind the refreshment table: thievery.

Among all the hoopla surrounding the evening's activities, perhaps the one which the Barnum Hill students looked forward to the most was the fourth annual yearly performance by local "semi-professional competitive adult a cappella group," Cleffer Thinking:

Feinstein alleges that while parents and kids purchased, at full price and without hesitation (if not including an extra donation), the baked goods made and sold by the staff behind the fold-out tables in the Green Auditorium, there was one individual who allegedly took it upon herself to choose freely from the boxes of Munchkins, cupcakes, brownies, and Grace Macfarlane's famous s'mores cookies (which sold out in record time).

Although Delilah Peussbaum (pictured above left, in the purple shaded capped tee) did, in fact, perform with Cleffer Thinking, the rest of her group didn't think twice about paying for their baked goods, as they assumed - like the rest of us - that "just because she sang the solo in [Donna Lewis'] 'I Love You (Always Forever)' doesn't mean she could just snatch up free pretzel rods," says Feinstein. Furthermore, Feinstein added, "She sounded like a man!"

When Feinstein and several other parents approached her about what they'd seen, Peussbaum vehemently denied having stolen any goods. A parent in the group, however, then took a napkin to Peussbaum's face to wipe off a smear of strawberry frosting, before angrily throwing it on the floor and hastily marching away.

"Stay out of our town!" warned Feinstein, who insists upon doing "whatever must be done" to keep Cleffer Thinking from performing at next year's Rec Night.

As it turns out, that may not be such a difficult task after all. According to the students, it seems that perhaps Cleffer Thinking has overstayed their welcome at Barnum Hill, or their material has simply gone stale.

First grader Nathaniel Welsh considered the group to be in "poor sound [this year]," but put it best by adding that "they sang a song about Pokemon, too. Ummm has that shit not been over for, like, two years? Jesus!"

"Plus," he continued, "what's with the leather pants?"

November 18, 2005

The Hot Sheet

Despite her son's repeated requests, it seems that 39-year-old Janice Farlinger of Harriet Drive is not ready to give up her job, even if it means seeing her son, 16-year-old Jeremy taunted without mercy at B.E.O. High. According to a source at the Harbor Lane Day Spa, which Mama Farlinger frequents for weekly Grecian massages, Janice "loves the attention" she receives as Supervising Manager at the American Eagle store in the Fernlawn Hill Mall. Furthermore, son Jeremy's request to AE's corporate communications staff that working alongside his mother in a "professional setting" is "damaging to the work atmosphere" (despite his being forced to "work shipment while 'Mommy' greets customers," according to an employee at the adjacent Wicks 'n Sticks) went unnoticed. Incidentally, Jeremy's request was responded to with a statement that claimed Janice to be "one of the best employees" in the region's retail shops, as she displayed "a skillful attitude, authoritative knowledgability, and great ass for salmon low-cut denim capris." Paging Dr. Freud!

Greg Hess of Shenendoah Way was recently caught by his wife Carolyn with an unlabeled bottle of Ambien, a drug meant to combat insomnia. However, no questions were asked as Carolyn felt terrible that Greg has been reduced to illegal drugs after their neighbors, Erwin and Doris Verbela refuse to purchase an indoor cage for their three-month-old Schnauser, Peppers. Carolyn claims that Peppers is left out at night by her owners, who tend to only pay attention to the dog "well after the rest of the neighborhood has woken up." Surrounding neighbors have also complained, according to the Hesses, but all are "scared shitless" to approach the Verbelas, as rumor has it that Doris's violent temper sent a trick-or-treater into a seven-week state of paralysis in 1981, after Verbela claimed that "children should never be out past 9:00," according to an archived file from The Morning Trumpet. It looks as if Peppers is at the center of a very 'hot' topic!

Are the stars out tonight? If you thought you saw a celebrity around town last weekend, you weren't dreaming! It seems as if mega-hot stand-up comedienne Elayne Boosler of the infamous 1985 HBO special Elayne Boosler: Party of One recently bought a ranch-style house (above-ground swimming pool included!) on Go Gallop Road. Neighbors say she's both "nice as can be" and "not at all funny." Boosler, currently "unattached, though always taking numbers," has applied for a position at the Kinko's Fed Ex Store on Bypass 11, where she claims she'd be a great employee if not for the fact that she "looks sexy in a ballcap," to which she added, "And who doesn't, right ladies?"

November 17, 2005

Who's 'Hogging' The Meat?

"That's the last time he touches my meat!" declared Roseann Pither of Wallaby Court on Tuesday, as she exited Titone Bros. Meats and Poultry on Barker Boulevard.

Pither and a vocal slew of other customers have opted to end their business relationships with Titone, as the head butcher, Luigi Titone (of Shieburg Place) comes under fire for a rumor that, as one source puts it, "he puts his hands where they don't belong."

Says one source, "Even [Town Supervisor] Chandra Cooper has stopped getting her meat there!"

Some say it was Cooper who first helped forecast the storm of controversy as the first customer to complain after finding a pubic hair kissing a half pound of freshly sliced bologna. Though she wouldn't fess up about the incident after being questioned by TTT, Cooper did manage to wince at our rehashing of the story, before tearfully retreating into the bathroom to dry heave.

"All I know," says Dennis Blanco of Morton Lake Road and lifelong customer of the butcher shop through its three generations of ownership, "is that I don't want my kids pulling curlies out of their teeth. That's sick. It's a sickness. And this is a nice neighborhood."

Luigi Titone refused to comment, choosing instead to cheerily offer TTT a sample of "fresh pickled sausage."

Upon our [stupid] acceptance, Titone quickly lifted his apron to display his bare genitals.

November 16, 2005

Kevin Laurie: 'Hungry' For The Spotlight

Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, and Hugh Jackman had better watch their backs! There's a new kid in town!

The weekend before Christmas will prove to be a major threat to the most revered actors on today's Broadway stage, as Bert E. Olive High School presents Guys & Dolls with gifted triple threat Kevin Laurie!

Laurie (of Brighton Drive), at an astonishing 5'5" and 341 pounds, plays Sky Masterson, the scheming gambler who scours the underground New York gambling scene while romancing a God-fearing missionary. And from what TTT is hearing, Laurie takes the show to a level not seen since megastar Stephanie Dicker wowed the audience as Lady Lucille in Bert E. Olive High School's 1986 performance of Once Upon A Mattress (before hitting it big in her breakout role as "Shelley" on two episodes of Life Goes On several years later, starring Patti LuPone, Kellie Martin, and Christopher Burke.

When asked for her thought on her co-actor, Heather Yiung-Li, who plays Bus Driver No. 2, puts it bluntly: "Kevin's like a fat Usher!"

Lost In Translation or Just Lost?

To the average eye, one may assume the picture above to show an ordinary man taking a leisurely afternoon walk along Roadburn Avenue.

But to Beatrice Franklin of Circus Corner Road in Upper Springstown, a closer look proves the man to actually be her gardener, Emilio Ortiz, taking a self-appointed "break" from the job while [he assumes] Franklin has gone off on her afternoon errands.

After months of what Franklin refers to as a weekly "mediocre" upkeep of the front and back yard of her two-story Tudor-style home (where she lives with husband Merlin and their four cats, Hanky Panky, Herbert, Mona Lisa, and Barbara Jane), Bernice decided, upon an unenthused reaction after phoning the police, that she would take the matters into her own hands.

Just one day was all it took, as she left the house with a camera in tow, and sped off in her car, but only to park in a friend's driveway down the block. As Franklin had suspected, it was mere moments after she'd "left" that she spotted Ortiz hop in his pick-up truck, drive into town, and park in front of Avenue Cleaners on Roadburn Avenue.

"He's on my watch," complains Franklin, "and after two hours of work, he feels it necessary to get up and go before I can catch him? Despicable! Is this what they teach in Mexico?"

After reporting the incident to Ortiz's employer, Kingsmen Landscaping supervisor Keleil Banks asserted that Ortiz was "taking his lunch break," an act Banks refers to as "completely legal." Furthermore, he questioned Franklin's judgment by defending his employee's right to leave the property at his own discretion.

"The dude's just hungry," states Banks. "Ain't no crime," he added.

Franklin's reaction? "If he wants lunch, I'll get my brother, Harry, to give him a nice, big knuckle sandwich! Let him see how it tastes! With mustard, even, with mustard!"

Two weeks after Franklin filed the complaint against Kingsmen Landscaping, she was entered into the St. James Center for Assisted Living under agreement by her husband, Merlin.

The suit has since been dropped, as has Barbara Jane.

November 15, 2005

It's Called 'Reach' For A Reason

Apparently, nobody's perfect.

Not even Mary Roethlisberger of Miller Park Way, whose loyal devotion to school, church, and the Varsity Field Hockey team at Bert E. Olive High School (where she's currently a Senior) didn't exactly secure her a spot at Cornell University, the school she'd "told everyone" would accept her without question, according to a source.

"She thinks she's, like, Miss Most Perfect Girl Ever," says the source, "but nobody actually likes her except the band teacher. Even [Vice Principal Shelley] Charmante doesn't like her" (rumor has it that Charmante is both beloved by the student body and often inebriated by the day's end).

"Plus," adds another classmate, "Mary dresses like [90's sitcom star] Blossom. And she's got a weird neck. What a dyke."

Roethlisberger was put on a Wait List by Cornell University's College of Arts and Sciences, where she'd prepared to major in Linguistics.

We hear that coming in at "second place" has Roethlisberger heavily dissapointed, although she's unsuccessfully attempted to shrug off any criticism sent her way by seething classmates. Just days after she received the letter from the University, Pre Calculus II teacher Pat Yudelson intercepted a note passed to Mary during her third period class which read, "There's always community college, douchebag!" The note's author has yet to be identified.

Mary Roethlisberger's parents, Joseph and Helen, have not yet commented to friends of the family. However, a source shared with TTT that it's only because the family "has no friends."

November 14, 2005


"Cool Mom" Lynne Beardsley of Belle Terre Drive gets caught mid-boogie at this past Sunday's Pumpkin Party!, a yearly festival thrown by the Ruth Evans Shelter to celebrate everyone's favorite seasonal snack while also raising money for the local homeless citizens.

Others in attendance included: Maurice Howler, high-level banking executive at the Bank of America in South Bay with wife Camille, Michael and Gretchen Sugarman of Barnaby Lane (best known for their "dancing Santa" holiday decorations), and butcher Hans Jameskirt of Landing Avenue and his mother, Bess (also of Landing Avenue).

The Hot Sheet

Word has it that Marissa Morgan of the Morgan family on Brightland Court was spotted this past weekend at the Shop 'N Stop across from The Library on Mayland Way, attempting to purchase a six-pack before being denied by the man behind the desk counter, Rayeed J.. Sources say that Marissa was accompanied by best friend Jamie Rye, daughter of single-mom Tanya Rye on Garden Avenue. Both are considered "total sluts" by schoolmates at Spayre County Middle School, and fled the scene in an unidentified White 2003 Ford Explorer after being refused for attempting the purchase under age. Our source also reports that Jamie was wearing "dirty pink Uggs," which we attribute to the fact that, last we heard, Tanya was employed at the Avis Rent-a-Car for about three days before resigning due to "scheduling conflicts." Hmmm, it seems this stay-at-home Mom may be more of a stay-at-home non-Mom, wouldn't you think?

Clutch your bags, ladies! It seems as if A Black Man was spotted exiting the Gourmet Bakery on Parkside Heights Boulevard with a "bag of muffins," on one of which he began nibbling before he could even leave the store! Sources say the gentlemen seemed like a "nice enough man," despite his eating habits, and that he'd be welcomed back on this side of town "any time he'd like," although said source's husband warns, "he best not bring 'em all here! There's a reason I left Queens!"

As if local freshmen don't have enough to deal with as standardized tests become increasingly challenging at Bert E. Olive High School, it seems as though "Human Anatomy 101" has been added to the curriculum! Long-time Earth Science teacher Maureen Glynn allegedly "showed some heavy nip" last week while demonstrating sedimentary rock formations for her students using an overhead projector. For approximately two minutes (although it seemed "like forever," according to an "epicly grossed out" Evan Matthews of second period), Mrs. Glynn mistakenly "let her reds go," according to a source. It was only after Glynn (of Prince Street in Northridge) realized that rock formations weren't "as amusing as [she'd] originally thought" did the humiliated teacher pick herself up, dust herself off, and rescue the parkas from her closet which she hasn't seen "since 1987." According to Ashley Wright-Kapler of eighth period, "she kinda looks like a librarian now, which is,, I guess. She's nice."

Just two weeks after Bernard Braunstein of Fowler Road was promoted to Junior Developer at Kellman & Assoc. Homes, the real estate group on Bridgewater Road, his wife Sheila was seen redeeming bottles for coins yesterday at the Key Food on Route 92. Is Sheila pinching pennies because Hubby's job doesn't pay as much as she'd expected? Or is she just "being Jewish," as our source suggests? It's not our place to say, but we won't hide the fact that, despite living 3 miles from the Stop & Shop on Mayland Way, Braunstein had traveled an extra seven miles to, perhaps, keep her coin collections under wrap. Or maybe she was just "in the neighborhood." Oy, what a dilemma!