The Hot Sheet

Despite her son's repeated requests, it seems that 39-year-old Janice Farlinger of Harriet Drive is not ready to give up her job, even if it means seeing her son, 16-year-old Jeremy taunted without mercy at B.E.O. High. According to a source at the Harbor Lane Day Spa, which Mama Farlinger frequents for weekly Grecian massages, Janice "loves the attention" she receives as Supervising Manager at the American Eagle store in the Fernlawn Hill Mall. Furthermore, son Jeremy's request to AE's corporate communications staff that working alongside his mother in a "professional setting" is "damaging to the work atmosphere" (despite his being forced to "work shipment while 'Mommy' greets customers," according to an employee at the adjacent Wicks 'n Sticks) went unnoticed. Incidentally, Jeremy's request was responded to with a statement that claimed Janice to be "one of the best employees" in the region's retail shops, as she displayed "a skillful attitude, authoritative knowledgability, and great ass for salmon low-cut denim capris." Paging Dr. Freud!

Greg Hess of Shenendoah Way was recently caught by his wife Carolyn with an unlabeled bottle of Ambien, a drug meant to combat insomnia. However, no questions were asked as Carolyn felt terrible that Greg has been reduced to illegal drugs after their neighbors, Erwin and Doris Verbela refuse to purchase an indoor cage for their three-month-old Schnauser, Peppers. Carolyn claims that Peppers is left out at night by her owners, who tend to only pay attention to the dog "well after the rest of the neighborhood has woken up." Surrounding neighbors have also complained, according to the Hesses, but all are "scared shitless" to approach the Verbelas, as rumor has it that Doris's violent temper sent a trick-or-treater into a seven-week state of paralysis in 1981, after Verbela claimed that "children should never be out past 9:00," according to an archived file from The Morning Trumpet. It looks as if Peppers is at the center of a very 'hot' topic!

Are the stars out tonight? If you thought you saw a celebrity around town last weekend, you weren't dreaming! It seems as if mega-hot stand-up comedienne Elayne Boosler of the infamous 1985 HBO special Elayne Boosler: Party of One recently bought a ranch-style house (above-ground swimming pool included!) on Go Gallop Road. Neighbors say she's both "nice as can be" and "not at all funny." Boosler, currently "unattached, though always taking numbers," has applied for a position at the Kinko's Fed Ex Store on Bypass 11, where she claims she'd be a great employee if not for the fact that she "looks sexy in a ballcap," to which she added, "And who doesn't, right ladies?"